Inside The Swirl

The Ides of March- 2012
I've lost myself. Who I am. not in a depressing way but it is a sad thought. because I've forgotten how to write and read for fun, how to be normal and when I say normal I'm not going according to other people but by me. By my own standards I'm being weird in a bad way because I don't know how to carry a regular conversation without making a face, I get frustrated or mad or upset so easily and don't care about school. Or to invest my time well. Now I look at myself and can't see where I've gone off my path but it's okay because little adventures on the side can take you unexpected places, this

April 11. 2013.
Money is just a means.

How do I stop apologizing for myself? Well first I think I should figure out the root cause of these feelings that stir me to apologize for being myself??? Why do I feel bad about myself???

Why do I blame myself, everything that I am on that one event? Why are you so scarred baby girl? no need to blame anything. that right there?? that's straight up blame- asking if I started blaming myself for all that I am today on breaking up with ---. Because to be deeply brutally honest that can't be the change in me. it was a means of change, the catalyst. reflecting on that period in my life was an extremely self absorbed period with no self reflection (which combined is LETHAL!!!!) the poison intoxicates your thoughts, conscious AND sub conscious infiltrating my intentions as well. when you wake up from that reverie of having someone do that substantial thinking for you as --- did, you're going to experience a cleansing of mind. when it comes down to it maybe it's me.

May 8. 2013.
releasing positive vibes

May 20. 2013.
stress & money what else is new? apparently a lack of originality doesn't only show itself in the faces of American personality but in the face of life's curveballs. so predictable I should be struck out for not hitting them head on.
something great happened today which frustrates me to no end. got my phone taken away. now the frustration should be greatly obvious but why is it amazing?
because every time I go without my iphone for an extended period of time I feel a certain pressure lift off my chest. are my tweets good enough? spunky enough?? fun and interesting enough?? twitters taking over my life- actually in general social media. it is usually one form or the other, I find, thats why I despite the entire existence of the concept but my current monster to tackle is twitter.
this provided me though with a light clear mind of such pressures and im in the mood to write + be inspired. so I decided to look Cara Delevingne up on youtube! oh! I was completely -pleasantly- surprised by videos of her. Most often than not, WATCHING people move and speak when you've only ever seen pictures of is disturbing and shattering of the image you once held in your mind of them. BUT- she is eloquent, punky, crazy funky cool. I use these words a lot, but for Cara they are a perfect fit. What I've gathered about Cara Delevigne:
1. she uses disposable cameras because she's no good at keping digital ones. her photographs probably come out awesome. awesome in a way that is not mad eye genius but captivating. She probably has the kind of daily life that could come out genius looking to the camera's eye although it would be set up (in a not STAGED way?)
2. her accent surprised me. not sure why I thought she was Australian but she's British. hmm... further evidence of my curbed judgement...
well that's all I remember DISTINCTLY five minutes later
what I'm looking for now are role models- people I want to take specific aspects of and model myself after that.
people who have a spark that resonates with my spirit.
this inspirational character hunt is not limited- I have to keep in mind- to celebrities. but maybe a public figure with substantial significance besides in pop culture?
the urgency with which I started to write about an hour ago has been misplaced. :( maybe a brief current state of the union? i HATE brevity in place of analyzation of emotion and thought in depth!! UGH!! why must my patience tank's status be on constant low?
real question I pose to myself- is it worth simply recording events in my life only to leave them as unprobed thoughts? and ideas? as potential thought bombs??!!? IS IT??? no ones come back from the future to answer my question so I assume we never find out. I guess play it safe and record away...